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Saturday, October 22, 2011

The Excommunicator

Overheard at an Army boot camp some decades ago:

"Sure I've hear of the Golden Rule, but it isn't easy. I haven't got it to work for me and I don't know of anyone who's got it to work for them. Let me tell ya about it. I was living in this fourplex in Long beach the first time I really gave it a try."

"What did you do?"

"I felt like quiet so I played my radio low and closed my door quietly. Doin' on to them, right? What do you thing they did onto me? They played their TVs loud and slammed their doors."

"So, then?"

"I excommunicated them."

"What do you mean?"

"One day I finally got tired of doing onto them as I would have them do onto me. I was getting no good results. About five that evening I turned off the pilot lights, plugged-up all the drains, turned on my old radio full blast. Then I turned on all the gas and water and left."

"Shit, what happened?"

"I don't know. I didn't go back. But, I figured I excommunicated them."

"What happened to the Golden Rule."

"Well, I got to thinkin' about it. I Long Beach I really didn't do it on to them. They acted like I wasn't even there. So, I figure, maybe I'm doing it wrong. Maybe I need to make sure they know I am doing it onto them."


Well I see this girl where I'm living. She's fine. Good looking. I really like her. Ya may think I'm kind of kinky, but, besides other things I'd like her to do to me, I'd like her to get hold of my butt with both of her hands and give it a good kneading. So, pretty soon I'm walking by her in a quiet spot and think, 'this is it.' I get a hold of her butt with both of my hands and go to work. She's screaming and trying to get away and I'm telling her about the Golden Rule. She tries to slap me and, probably by accident, scratches me. I lose my temper, knock her down, and start to kick her. But then I think to myself 'is this the Golden Rule?'" So I stop and go about my business. As far as I am concerned, she is excommunicated."

"God! Did you do any more about the Golden Rule?"

"Right after that I moved to a kind of rough part of town. I can't stop thinking about the Golden Rule. 'Maybe I'm way of base,' I think to myself, 'but maybe I need to be more polite to get it working.' I could use some politeness. So I'm walking by these guys and I say, 'Good afternoon fellas, beautiful day.' I'm not quit out of earshot when I hear one of them say, 'Fuck you.' I'm patient; these guys don't look too swift. I figure it may take more than one politeness to work on them. Net day i'm walking and there these guys are in about the same place as before. So I say, 'Hi fellas, good to see you here.' One of them looks right at me and says, 'Get the fuck out of here.' I think to myself, wanting to give this a good try, 'Do onto others as you would have them do onto you.' I say to them, 'Excuse me.' and keep on walking.
The next day, the same thing. I'm walking and there they are. My chance to be polite to get politeness. But, they are kind of blocking the way and looking unfriendly. So, after giving them a polite greeting I say, 'Excuse me.' and make to be on my way. They straighten up and are blocking my way. One of them says, talking to me, 'You simple shit, stay away from here. You want trouble?' All three are looking meaner. But, beings as this is is a rough neighborhood, I'm carrying, so am not too nervous. I say again, 'Excuse me.' However, it seems they are really ready to do more then look mean and talk tough.

"So then what?"

" I take out my piece and excommunicate them: one, two, three. Sometimes I wish I had never head of the golden rule."

" Yeah, well how's The Golden Rule doin' here?"

"So far so good. The Army is keeping me out of trouble and I'm learning things."

"Are you practicing the Rule here?"

"Sure. These officers are great. I wanted respect. I wanted the respect of a salute. So, I learned to salute and saluted smartly. Right from the beginning they saluted right back. The Golden Rule is working for me here! Now I'm working on them to say, 'Yes sir.' and 'No sir.' to me.


The test is short and we grade on the curve.
1. What is excommunication?
2. What does 'carrying a piece' mean?
3. What is the purpose of the Golden Rule?
4. How does it work?
5. Where does it come from?
6. What is its negative form?
7 What happens when you turn off the pilot light and turn on the gas.

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